My silent, forever observant heart has been a little rattled lately. It’s scared in a way I have never known it to be. Startling at the slightest bang of furniture, locking doors of keys I never bothered before. I’m getting old I’ve been told. I gracefully accepted that. Even when the snotty young girl at the chemist rolled her eyes and informed me that hair colors have evolved to only 10 minutes waiting time unlike in my days. I accepted that as well. (For someone who carries genes of early greying, I didn’t have much for argument anyway.)
Speaking of acceptances, there are a lot more than grey hairs and loose wardrobe that I have accepted in the last year. I guess the biggest peace I have made with myself are the roles I play. Being the eldest and working in the family business has always engulfed me with responsibilities that I felt I was always too inexperienced to handle. I spent my 20’s scrambling, grappling, slipping, sliding, just holding by a thread; always a step behind trying to do the right thing. Somewhere along the line, the unfairness of it, made me brittle and ugly. I think last year for the first time, I caught up with the road and with quiet dignity, accepted my responsibilities as a part of who I am. I wouldn’t know who else to be without my roles now.
Then in late September came a well-wisher. In a public gathering, he parted some words of wisdom:
Him: “If tomorrow I wake up and want to be the Prime Minister, do you think it would be possible?” *Silence*
Him: “Come on. Just answer the question – is it or not?” *Crowds murmurs*
Him: “Of course, it isn’t possible! How can it be possible. I’m a common man. I’m now old. It can’t be possible anymore.” *Crowd voice their agreement*
Him: (to me) “Then how is possible that a prince will come to marry you? You are not from some royal lineage. You are now old. Sitting there waiting for a rajkumar to come for you is not possible. You must accept it.” *Crowd nods and random people rub my back*
I would have defied him but that afternoon, I threw in my swords. Since then every setup I have been fixed on, I slap on my lipstick and go sit through it (and boy have I sat through some.) For some reason, the universe has also started streaming a steady flow of 30 plus men my way and I have been on more dates in the last 4 months than in the last 4 years. Rather ironic that. Perhaps love really is a commercialized entity best left to Shahrukh Khan. This I have accepted, too.
Rather than rage about it, I’ve also accepted the unkindness that sometimes come our way in life. Be it in someone who befriends you to feed off your blog discussions for their own startup or relationships that time and again leave you alone at crossroads to fend for yourself.
Despite, that I didn’t travel much, sat in more boardrooms and gained weight again. That I saw life on more than 3 occasions tearing up all my plans and intentions and throwing it in my face. And then rearranging the pieces again! This has been the mellowest I have ever known myself to be. No rage, no scores to settle, no planet to save. Just fine.
But my heart. It’s not fine with the choices I’ve made. This silent submission to life. In all these years, this is the first time I can hear its pounding in my ears. And there is a quiet storm brewing in my once dormant heart.
Change. Sometimes it finds you. Growing up sucks.